Don Farmer, a writer for our local paper The Dunwoody Crier, often has articles that elicit a snort or two from me. This week's was a doozy. He lists some of the winning entries for San Jose State University's "Dark and Stormy Night" contest – the worst imaginary opening lines of the worst imaginary novels – and, because I am a kind and benevolent person, I thought I would share the joy.
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep … Andre creep … Andre creep.'"
"Just beyond the Narrows, the River widens."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear;' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death – in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
"The notion that they would no longer be a couple dashed Helen's hopes and scrambled her thoughts not unlike the time her sleeve caught the edge of the open egg carton and the contents hit the floor like fragile things hitting cold tiles, more pitiable because they were the expensive organic brown eggs from free-range chickens, and one of them clearly had double yolks entwined in one sac just the way Helen and Richard used to be."
"Criminy, thought Francine as she left the birthing center, if the baby's an unknown life-form, it probably means Ricky wasn't really from West Hartford, either."
"The day dawned much like any other day, except that the date was different."
"The thing that goes back and forth inside the old grandfather clock swung like a pendulum."
That hurts, doesn't it? Thank you, Don Farmer!